March 8, 2010

For ALL of you who have had an opinion on my driving over the years...

I have concluded that I am not necessarily a bad driver ALL the time, it is just when I have someone in the passenger seat comparing my driving choices to the generalized Rules of the Road handbook. Didn't you all read the small print inside the back cover of that book anyway? It says "may be subject to change." Mine was written in blue ink...bubbly printing...a little smear over the "ge" in the word "change."

Anyway...a good example of a rule that is subject to change is "Always stop before the white stop line when approaching a red light." Now the "subject to change" wordin reads:

"Always stop before the white stop line when approaching a red light...unless husband is frantically pointing to turn left right now...then stop wherever your want...even in the intersection if need be...just to get him to STOP YELLING and POINTING!"

March 4, 2010

Hung out with some of my favorite people tonight...a family I have babysat for ten years. They always remind me of some of my greatest "Walk Into Walls" moments of all time.

Working with young adults and children under the age of 18 year round is bound to teach you an immeasurable amount of patience in all situations. Likewise, you also learn that "expect the unexpectable" HAS to be your motto each and every day or you should surrender your badge of authority immediately. On the other hand, there is BOUND to be those moments where being awarded 3 lifelines to tap into for support would be the greatest gift imaginable.

I will never forget the summer that I was at the pool and had finally established my place as a regular amongst all the "Pool Moms," even though I was merely the summer nanny and not the "real thing" like they were. My sweet little social butterfly that I was caring for decided to come and curl up next to me on my lawn chair. Touched by his affection and, in all honesty, feeling a slight sense of pride at his display of approval for his babysitter, I turned the focus of the "Mommy Chat" to him. Expecting a few words of adoration or a loving exchange he looks at me, places one little hand on either side of my thigh and then looks up at our little gathering of women and says, "Kristin, why do your legs jiggle like this?" and proceeds to demonstrate that lovely act of my fleshing jiggling out of control as if it was a little critter of its own. "Go play," is all I could muster up before thinking "Ok God, you humbled me yet again."

The applicable lesson I took with me that day...never let ANYONE sit on my lawnchair again...unless my lower extremidies were appropriately covered with a beach towel :)

March 4, 2010

I had an epiphany today that will officially be entered into my book of Fantabulous Ideas tomorrow so I thought I would just give you all a preview today.

After the 40th time my name was called out in class today my latest brilliant idea burst forth. You see 9 times out of 10, each beckon was followed by a complaint, a command, or a thought that made me just think "really?!" I stopped in the middle of the room and announced that I had officially decided to change my name. I was no longer to be called Mrs. Rickey, Ms. Marchand, Hey, Um, or Can I Getta... Instead my new name is to be "Hey Beautiful." Now every time someone calls out a demand or offers a statement that is questionably acceptable, at least the comment will be preceeded by a compliment :)

I urge you all to create an uplifting title of your own. As with mine, it doesn't have to be true or hold any merit, it just has to help you ride through the complaint on a cloud of content.

March 3, 2010

My question of the day is what exactly qualifies as the official "back to bed" line? In other words, how many things have to go wrong in a day before you can justify crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over your head?

Is it when you think you hit snooze on the alarm and you actually turn it off?

Is it when you run out the door without a minute to spare and spill coffee all down your pants?

Is it when a cop pulls out and follows you for ten minutes the one time you forget to put your seatbelt on?

Is it when they grocery bags break and spill the contents all over the floor as you struggle to carry 60 lbs of groceriers, a purse, and your workbag while you fumble for your keys?

Is it when ten kids are in your room BEFORE the first bell even rings asking you 20 questions you have already answered 20 times?

Is it when you realize you don't have a cold DP ready to give you the ABSOLUTELY necessary burst of caffiene needed for you to be even remotely civil to other human beings?

Is when half the class forgets that part of following a recipe means you have to READ the directions?

Is it when you realize your full-size freezer has been plugged into an outlet that was tripped...OVER A WEEK AGO...and the entire supply of food has to be pitched while the 20th person says to you..."Um, did you know you have a huge puddle of water on the floor here?" "Yes, I see that THANKS!"

Is it when someone hands me a whole stack of make - up work just when I finally finish all my grades to turn in for the end of the quarter?

Or is it when I realize all this crap has happened and IT IS ONLY TEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!...AND THREE MORE DAYS TIL THE WEEKEND

March 2, 2010

Yes, for those of you keeping track, I am posting my March 2nd "Walk Into Walls" a day early. The reasoning behind this wrinkle in tradition is that I am pondering a thought...and will surely still be seeking advice on the same issue tomorrow.

When trying to find the Kelly Blue Book trade-in value of your car...where exactly does the following fall:

Excellent?

Very Good?

Good?

Fair?

Poor?

I currently possess both of my rearview mirrors one is merely glued on, the other is duct taped on. There is some slight rusting on one..two...three...well maybe all car doors. The tires are worn (and one is still filled with grass from where my tires caught the snow the other day and sent me spinning into the median) but still usable. On the up side, the whole front end of my car is new...after I got into a wreck and tore it off. Oh, and on the driver's side above the tire the fiberglass is all new after it crunched when the car crashed into the ground during a tire-changing gone ALL wrong. The inside is fabulous though...except for the center console that rests neatly where it should actually be secured.

So what do you think...good? or very good? (Don't forget the whole new front end!!)

March 1, 2010

I had an educational experience tonight that I thought I would share with you...

My husband was in charge of shower duty tonight while I laid out everyone's clothes for tomorrow. The lofty task of shower duty includes making sure the little ones empty their bladder BEFORE entering the tub, placing their towel on the bathroom sink within reach of their small arms when they have finished, positioning the Q-Tips where they cannot deny seeing them, and running through the CKCL (Clean Kids Check List). Now with this background knowledge I can proceed.

As I am carefully coordinating everyone's clothing for the next day, I hear my attentive hubby running through the list "Did you wash your hair? Arms? Face? Feet?"...and at this very moment my educational experience erupted. As our youngest, a precious little girl of 5, showers, her father hollers into the bathroom, "Did you wash your back butt?"

Apparently I SHOULD have taken the anatomy class in high school that I so slyly avoided. I was under the impression that we had ONE, yes only one, butt. Somehow I slipped through the past 28 years misinformed.

So for all you parents who have shower duty in your current or near future...please don't make the mistake I have..don't forget to ask if they washed their "back butt

February 25, 2010

Today is not about my sense of humor, it's about God's.

When you are about to blow up...step back...and look up.
God has a gift for ironic endings to seemingly endless epics.

Thank you Lord for your provisions

February 23, 2010

I feel compelled to share the converstation that took place at our house tonight:

Wife: "Dear, tell me your athletic supporter WAS NOT soaking in the bathroom sink when my brother and sister-n-law stayed here this weekend."

Husband: [Nose scrunches] "Eww"

Wife: "Tell me that means 'NO'...Please?!?!?!"

Husband: [long pause.....] "I...um...forgot?"

Wife:


Notice there is no response in the final entry for the wife...

February 21, 2010

So I would like to say that my absence on this site the past week was due to improvement in my common sense...unfortunately, not so true.

Lesson of this week would then be...when attempting to make Grandma's homemade pizza dough and sauce that takes 3 plus hours to assemble, it is best to check the basics before starting.

1) Make sure you not only have all the ingredients, but also that they are actually still in existence (FYI: it is IMPOSSIBLE to find cake yeast) before you committ to making the recipe.

2) It is nice to recruit extra help...until you are training them and their dough turns out better than your own.

3) Try to avoid making the 3 hour process extend into a 5 hour process by forgetting to turn on the stove.

February 14, 2010...Happy Egg Day

This blog post is dedicated to my favorite student, thus far, and most likely of all time...Kate

Five years ago today I experienced the most horrendous Valentine's Day you can possible imagine. Personally, I would take flowers and chocolates over ensuing divorce papers, but I didn't really get to choose. As a result, I decided to boycott this Hallmark holiday and deem it unncessary to celebrate.

Here enters Kate...a student and soon to be very dear friend with a gift for cheering up disheartened souls. In an attempt to boost my spirits, and "get my back," Kate decided to take it upon herselft to bring judgement upon my soon-to-be ex spouse. It took many hours, and even days, to convince her that egging his car and house would NOT be a wise course of action. Trying to set a positive example and act as the adult mentor I had become, I told her it was not Christ-like to egg someone's house, car, or own body in attempt to gain revenge. It is the Lord's place to bring judgement on those he deems deserving, it is only our place to forgive.

In a classic Kate-manner, she delivered her response, "Fine, I will write scripture on the eggs and THEN throw them!!"

So...Happy Egg Day to all of you who have refrained from the physical act but have mentally engaged in battle with those who have put the rocks in your roads.

February 13, 2010

My husband is finally off bed rest and is rejoicing in the fact that his lovely nurse (moi) cannot impair his healing process anymore with my clumsy attempts to help.

Sooo....I thought I would offer my services up to someone else in need. I decided to assist my mom while she was in the hospital. My first assignment was to feed her a delicious meal of mashed potatoes & gravy, baked chicken, corn, and pears. She was really appreciative of my helping hand until I attempted to suffocate her by feeding her mashed potatoes through her nostrils. After recovering from that incident, we moved onto the corn. Ten very unsuccessful minutes later, my supportive husband said there was going to be a bumber crop of corn in the neurological intensive care wing of St Francis next year. Okay, so maybe I dropped a few pieces. We topped off the whole exciting event by sprinkling a little pear juice on her hospital gown and bed sheets. It never hurts to make someone a little sweeter, right?

After the past week I have learned that it is actually possible to get fired from a volunteer job.

February 12, 2010

I thought I would share this lesson with all those of you who enjoy carry-out on occasion. Unfortunatley, Mexican food does not come with a warning label but there are a few stipulations...

1) Always ask for a double order of chips and salsa because a single order only fills a snack-size sandwich bag.

2) Continue to lobby for ways to have them make margarittas to-go

3) NEVER eat your chips and salsa while in bed watching a movie (And if you are interested in trying out our special salsa-scented blanket just email me).

February 11, 2010

Seriously, when the doctor told my husband that he should not drive for a week post-op...he did not realize that this was actually compromising his health more...not aiding in the healing process.

Tonight when leaving the hospital, I made a very clean and clear turn to exit the parking garage. Contrary to what my husband may say, it is NOT my fault that my back tire happened to get wedged up agaist the median. I was simply choosing to exit OVER the median instead of around. Now had he not questioned my tactics, I probably wouldn't have backed BACK OVER the median again to correct my first course of action. Eventually we did exit the parking garage without any noticable damage to my car or any object in the area...or so I thought.

"Are all the cars leaning to the right like we are? Or is it just us?"

Had my husband not been on the phone leaving a verbal will to my brother, he probably could have answered that question.

February 10, 2010

There is a fine line between drinking enough caffeine to keep up with the ridiculous energy level of high school students, and dangerously approaching the level of OD-ing. The signs are very visible: tremors in the hands, a feeling of being dizzy; or trying to call the class to attention by saying, "A wight r we weady?" The latter symtpom, known as Elmer Fudd Syndrome, will signify a significant overdose on caffeine and result in continuous joshing from the students for the remainder of the week.

February 9, 2010

Just wondering if I should rethink my fashion sense when my five year old says to me, "Are you going to wear that today?" The bright side is that I am definitely not in any danger of my ego being inflated.

February 8, 2010

When you are as clumsy as I am, you have to take extreme precautions when trying to play nurse to a husband that is recovering from surgery. Somehow though, despite my gentleness when tending to the wounds, carefulness when giving medications, and assistance when helping him stand, sit, or walk...all of that is forgotten when I misjudge the distance between his knee and the car door.

February 7, 2010

We all agree that the very obvious selective hearing that occurs between the ages of 12 and 20 is somewhat frustrating, and definitely even more aggravating when you are in the teaching field. On the other hand, it is important to carefully select your words when you are trying to either gain a teenager's attention or remind them, yet again, of something you have already told them. For instance, you SHOULD NOT lash out in frustration when your class did not listen to the explicit instructions given on how to prepare Maple Pecan Muffins. Because when you yell, "How many times did I tell you guys to MEASURE YOUR NUTS before you left the table?" you have actually now destroyed their ability to listen or concentrate on anything for the remainder of the class period.

February 6, 2010

Okay so clumsiness is something I have been blessed with my whole life. Yesterday, on the other hand, I reached a new level.

When your husband is within three hours post-op of a VERY painful surgery...not a good idea to jump up to get him something and trip on the IV cord.

At least God gave me a VERY patient man with an awesome sense of humor.

February 5, 2010...A More Serious Side

On a more serious note (yes I am capable of those). The events of this day have made me revisit a couple of old ideas and realize a couple of new ones.

a) How do people in this life trudge through the difficult times without faith in our Lord Jesus Christ? I know I would never make it.

b) I thank God for the people who recognize their "calling" in life and faithfully commit to giving all they can, every day, to achieve what they are meant to do in this life (Praise God for the staff at St Luke's Hospital and the dilligence of Dr. Silber). Please know that if you are one of those people..you inspire me (and undoubtedly many others) to be more passionate about what we do.

c) It is so true that you never TRULY grasp just HOW important someone is in your life until that one split second when you realize just how fragile life is.

d) God's hand is SO evident in our lives every single day...we just have to remember that He's not just up in the Heavens or in the text in the Bible...he's in the genereous manager at the hotel, the kind gentleman that stops to jump your car, the nurse whose bubbly personality puts your fears to rest, and the prayer chain that carries you through the valley even when physically you feel alone.

And ALL God's people should ALWAYS rememberer to say...A M E N!

February 5, 2010

When you are running late for work, a smart time-saving technique is NOT to try and iron your clothes AFTER you have put them on. This brilliant idea results in you actually being later for work because you have to change your clothes to hide the ice pack strapped to your stomach in a futile attempt to relieve the constant burning sensation on your skin.

Note: This idea ensues long term results of having to constantly explain the large scar across your midriff when wearing a bikini at the pool...for at least one, possibly two, summers depending on your skins resiliency.

February 4, 2010...update

When I was 14 years old, I happen to ACCIDENTLY lock the keys in the car at a rest stop on a family vacation. That three hour long delay in the trip resulted in me never being able to drive the vehicle or even touch the keys to the car on any type of vacation since. At age 28, my new loving husband tried to bestow some faith in his bride and allowed me to drive in St Louis today. After three minutes in the driver's seat, we had managed to travel only less than half a mile. In that short distance we went through 6 Do Not Enter signs...honestly 6. Changed directions...um I lost count. And travled the wrong way down a One-Way Street...twice. Twenty minutes later, we reached our destination..which was actually only 2 milles from the starting point. I tried to chalk this all up to a little exaggeration on my husband's part...until I noticed I had somehow managed to confuse the GPS...we were driving into the directional arrow. Is that possible?

Unfortunately, my husband is having surgery tomorrow. Doctor's Orders include "No driving for at least one week." We are currently taking donations to hire a taxi service from St. Louis to Peoria.

February 4, 2010

..."When the GPS says 'recalculating' ten times before I even leave the city I live in...I wonder if I am better off not knowing how bad of a driver I really am."

February 3, 2010

"When you are a high school teacher and a male student is annoying you, you DO NOT say, 'I am too tired today, I cannot do you'. An unwise selection of words such as that may lead to complete chaos for 20 minutes or so while you attempt to pull their minds out of the gutter!"

February 2, 2010

"If you have repeatedly hit the garage door with your "ears" [mirrors] on your car...not a good idea to go through the automatic car wash. Hard to describe to the children why you have to ride home with the windows down when it is 20 degrees outside just so you can hold the mirror on."

February 1, 2010

So today, while attempting to stop my mail for an upcoming trip, three brilliant minds birthed this blog. After having a minor meltdown over one of my "Kristin Moments" my dear husband and "loving" brother encouraged (or is discouraged) me into recording my moments of questionable common sense and frequent clumsiness. The very appropriate title for this all-emcompassing advice blog is "Daily Walk Into Walls," courtesy of "loving brother." Today's lesson...

"When a form tells you that the information can only be changed by the customer in writing...if you are the customer and you are STILL writing [on the form] you ARE able to change the information...in writing. Therefore, you do NOT need to return to the post office for a new "stop mail" form."